8:31 p.m.
I was conversing with J.S. when S-H.E asked me about the body and what it feels like when I do the motion, to relieve the discomfort in my body- noting that the movements where Graceful and the sound which comes out is alien true but did not inspire fear…but it was an expression of seeking communication.
And just like that she hit a true note and a sore point with me
“There is Beauty in it..”
I can understand if people were freaked out, if you did outside in public but its not at all threatening and it does not seem that you are in discomfort and pain.
But its really Beautiful Expression.
My body is evolving, and this is what I had to prove with emprical evidence while everyone seemed to be distratracted and even entertained by the bodies expression conviently, forgetting that this is not only not of my free will, but is Not Normal and no one can fake this 24/7 for 17 18 years.
Its the Beauty of the movements and the sounds which I thought would have that reaction and invoke curiosity and even make me an object of scientific research instead, 64 portals opened the doors for me inspite of the obviousness of my situation ignoring my obvious “hellfire” I have been going through.
S.H.E nodded, “Yes I can see that, but you didn’t want pity, or handouts or even their compassion, you just them to understand what was happening.”
Yes, I said, once again amazed by H.E.R taking the initiative which no one had taken seriously except intellectually Liberty and Chris Filgueira.
And that J S was actually taking the initiative.
She could not believe that no one had really stopped to ask me what this feels like, the symptoms.
No one, Liberty had at some point began to observe my body and its expressions but only when she was in an altered state and all her walls defenses down.
No one had sat down with me out of curiosity…
“It is more then curiosity Jea interjected, it is what family does.”
I had had to impose the truth of my condition on people because they are so afraid of being dissapointed.
That is when we started speaking of stress and people transforming to Zombies fed my anger frustration.
Suddenly I found myself recounting to J S, something which had happened in Paris in 1993- 1994.
I had just come back from the light and was still recovering, living in perpetual quiet except for Ekayani – Erica who had stubbornly insisted that she was the one who was going to heal me.
She wasn’t, nor was I sick… but lord knows she did try and I will never forget that or the patience I had in explaining to her why she couldn’t.
I used to sit in the garden in spring and during the times when the condition confined me to not be able to take my daily walks.
It came like that, one month I would be strong enough to walk and then two three months not able to walk..
It was hell and frustrating.
The Doctor had given me one year to live if I did not get peace of mind and balance my body energy.
There was a woman and her friend who lived in the apartment below.
The garden has a fence and a covering so when I sat there it gave the impression that I was in a cage.. but a beautiful one set in paradise.
I undertsood how it may have looked.
She was very curious and one day she invited me to come to her space, fully aware of my weakened state, for she had been observing me for about a year before I accepted her invitation.
She heard about the reason for my condition the flight or fright, the debacle with the publishing world ” my journals… and fashion world.
After we had spoken .. and I did not speak much back then, she told me this story of this place of angry monsters.
It was a planet where as soon as child was born, and began to grow, it was set upon and beaten, again and again until that innocent child transformed into a angry monster and only then was the child left alone.
Soon one day a child was born who resisted the monsters, no matter how much they beat him he would not transform into a monster.
He grew bright and brighter, yet he was beaten again and again.
Until one day they all conspired to beat him in ways that were so terrible and unjuste …
they beat him and jusy would not stop over and over and over..
He resisted and they more they saw that he did not transform the more they gathered and took the hurting to him to such a terrible level that suddenly the youth grew quiet.
Was he dead, they asled as they stood round and waited.
And they waited.
The Boy youth had endured the most terrible beating of all…
The youth finall turned into a ball a cocoon wrapping him into a transformative state.
The Anger monsters waited, and finally the Cocoon opened and out came the boy youth but now he was an Angry Monster… the worst of them all.
All she said to me after, was “You did not transform into a monter.”
As I was recounting this true story to Jea, something sudden;y made me falter….
10:11 p.m
That was 26 years ago.
Thanksgiving day falls on the 26th
I have been in a play of A-Z
Alpha Bet City and L.E S ( lower east side les miserables)
Athena Sara Kaizer A-Z
Esteban Stephan Filgueria
Albert Santana to Zion Maccias.
I have been poked provoked to rage for 26 years.
A-Z-A
And it began according to my mother from the moment she brought me into this world.
When the woman had told me the story, i had no idea that 26 years more of being beaten to death again and again all of which i experienced in 1992 when all I wished to do was live and party and be, and instead given this role .. intentionally.
A test, not by man but by these two women, who had set me up to bear it again for and added 26 years.
That is what Albert had said to me, and Esteban, and all my tester… let see if you can do better than all the others who transformed into Angry Monsters.
To become like them, and only then would I be left in peace…
10:20 p.m
J T
… I really have nothing more to say.
Jea spoke of how I laugh so merrily.
Tree spoke of seeing me as a jovial person.
I understood.
10:22 pm.
J V
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